Ep. 191: Infertility is More Than a Medical Term, with Paula

Infertility is more than a medical symptom; it affects every aspect of your life. For Paula Gallagher, it impacted her sense of self, her conception of God, her vision for her future, and her idea of family. A decade later, her struggle has become her ministry as she walks alongside women in the midst of infertility. This episode touches on her own story and the aspects of struggling to conceive that are often the hardest. But it doesn't end without hope. She shares the peace that God provided when it made no sense, and how that peace sustains her today.

NOTE: In this episode, Paula shares honestly about her story and the pain of infertility. Miscarriage is mentioned.

GUEST BIO: Paula Gallagher is an infertility coach, who is passionate about accompanying women on the path of infertility. After more than a decade of primary infertility and discovering many diagnoses contributing to her own infertility, Paula felt called by the Lord to turn her pain into purpose by sharing what she learned the hard way with other women. She founded her church’s infertility support group, offers virtual coaching, and shares advice and resources on social media.

HELPFUL LINKS AND PAST EPISODES:

Catholic Infertility Resources

Work with Paula - catholicinfertilitycoaching.com

@catholic.infertility.coaching on Instagram

Ep. 37 Infertility 101

Ep. 64: Unexplained Infertility

Ep. 65: Nicole Clark & Twelve 12 Ministries (Infertility/Loss)

Transcript

Caitlin (00:25)

Welcome back to the Woven Well podcast. We speak honestly here about the reality of infertility and I think that's really important. ⁓ Not only does infertility affect women physically with all the medical appointments, procedures, monthly testing, periods, know, and everything else, but it affects her mentally, emotionally, spiritually. We are created by God as mind, body, spirit; all united together in a beautifully complex design that is being a woman. So we can't just talk about how to advocate for ourselves in the doctor's office, although I'm all about that. ⁓ We also have to address the other aspects of it too. So I've invited a guest to share through a bit of her personal experience with infertility and how God's been guiding her in her life and through her work. How this may come up in each one of our lives, if you're walking this story or not. So Paula Gallagher is an infertility coach who is passionate about accompanying women on the path of infertility. After more than a decade of primary infertility and discovering many diagnoses contributing to her infertility, Paula felt called by God to turn her pain into purpose by sharing what she learned the hard way with other women. She founded her church's infertility support group, offers virtual coaching and shares advice and resources on social media. Paula, welcome to the show.

Paula Gallagher (01:54)

Thank you so much for having me, Caitlin. I'm so honored to be here.

Caitlin (01:57)

Well, I'm really glad for you to come and share a little bit of your story because know it's very personal and not everyone is ready to discuss it with the world, but think it's like one in six couples are experiencing infertility. So it obviously is very common.

Paula Gallagher (02:13)

It is very common and one of the most common things that I hear from women when they are opening up about their experience with infertility is just how isolating the experience is. Whether that's from shame, whether that's from not knowing that there are resources out there, whether that's they reached out to somebody in their support circle and got a less than empathetic response. The infertility experience is often synonymous with isolation.

And I remember even in the early years of my own journey, my mom was always like, you should like read this blog or read this book. Like, you know, I came across this like infertility thing and my like my gut reaction was like, why? Like nobody else is in my body. Nobody else can understand what I'm going through. Like, why would I even bother? So sadly, it took me like eight or nine years before I finally did read actually Mary Bruno's book, 12 Stripes Deep. And I was like, oh, this this actually really resonates with me. And the more that I talk to women about their experience, there are just a lot of themes, a lot of thoughts, a lot of feelings, a lot of even similar types of conversations with people in their circles that women experience, that couples experience when they are living through infertility. So if you're feeling alone, if you're feeling isolated, please know there are resources out there.

Caitlin (03:37)

There are so many things that couples walking through infertility have in common. And you've listed some great ones there. But also I think about even just the questions that they have, you know, do we pursue assisted reproductive technology? Do we look into alternatives? Where do we draw line? You know, really practical decisions that feel not only weighty, but really urgent. And there are a lot of times spiritual, ethical concerns that are mixed up in decisions and just on the journey itself as well. have you seen that in the women that you work with feeling really burdened by those kinds of questions?

Paula Gallagher (04:14)

One of the most, I mean, I think every woman that I've ever talked to about the pain of infertility has said it is the most painful thing they've ever been through. It is such an intimate pain. Like it really strikes you at the intersection of your sexuality, your humanity, your spirituality. And, you know, it kind of like calls your identity into question. It calls into question like your conception of God and his plan for your life, your idea about prayer and your relationship with prayer.

So there's a lot of really deep, meaningful questions that get brought to the forefront when you're on the path of infertility. And so you're often struggling with these issues at the same time as you're struggling with the medical side and trying to discern what treatments to pursue, what testing to pursue, what am I comfortable doing, what is my spouse comfortable doing?

What is, you know, are we on the same page when it comes to the types of treatments we're willing to do? Are we on the same page with the timeline and the amount of money we're willing to spend? You know, kind of the dominant answer for infertility, especially quote unquote unexplained infertility is IVF. And, you know, many people are not comfortable with that procedure from an ethical standpoint.

You know, I was a 23 year old newly married woman not getting pregnant and my conventional OB-GYN told me to go try IVF. And I was like, you did three tests. Like to me, it didn't even make sense from a medical common sense perspective. I was like, I'm young, I'm healthy. You basically did nothing. Like why, why would I, why would I go through this procedure? fortunately.

Caitlin (05:46)

Yeah.

Paula Gallagher (05:54)

I didn't, I found NaProTechnology shortly thereafter. But I have like five, six, seven diagnoses. So if I had gone through with IVF, it probably would have ended in a miscarriage if it had succeeded. So praise the Lord, I was spared that experience. it can be, yeah, there are so many questions that women and couples are having to grapple with often on their own.

Caitlin (06:07)

Hmm.

Paula Gallagher (06:21)

Because again, it's so intimate, it's so personal. You're not gonna show up to girls night and be like, hey girl, Why doesn't God love me?

Caitlin (06:32)

Yeah, absolutely. Those really hard questions and you did such a great job of talking about how personal it is and, and you've been open about sharing your own story online and even earlier, you know, you mentioned eight or nine years sort of into this and

Paula Gallagher (06:49)

Mm-hmm.

Caitlin (06:51)

I'm sure listeners are like, well, you know, what happened with your story? Where are you all? And God's sort of inviting you all to a new chapter. So maybe catch us up on your story and where you all are.

Paula Gallagher (07:01)

Sure. Yeah, so the short version is my husband and I met in college. We got married ⁓ less than a year after graduation and we both have ⁓ four siblings. So we both wanted a large family. So we were like, why wait? Let's try and get pregnant right away. And just never, never happened. we've been married almost 14 years and after about...12 years of actively trying to get pregnant and doing two endometriosis surgeries, ovarian wedge resection, PRP, acupuncture. I've basically done the entire NaProTechnology protocol and done some. My current OB-GYN at that point in time kind of looked at me and was like, there's nothing else to try. And part of me was like,

Caitlin (07:41)

Yeah.

Paula Gallagher (07:55)

I accepted it. I was at peace with that. was like, yeah, I have been doing this for a long time. We have done a lot. And part of me was like, not okay with that response. And like two things kind of came out of that experience. One was that I realized that even doctors that we highly respect are still humans, right? They, they still have a limit to their knowledge. And sometimes when they give you a no, it's because they've reached the limit of their knowledge and it's not necessarily a real no. So you do kind of have to keep that in the back of your mind when you're working with a medical professional that there are limits to their knowledge and you might reach them and that's okay. It just means it's time to switch gears or to ask different questions. But the other fruit that came out of that conversation was like I very clearly heard the Lord saying, you know, you're really suffering right now. You're really feeling a lack of support.

And there are other women like you out there. Also in this place. And you have the ability to do something about it. You see the need and I want you to fill that need. And I was like, oh, that sounds really scary. So it took me like three months. I really procrastinated. You know, I was like, OK, I'm going to reach out to like my pastor and I'm going to say I want to start the support group. But I really, really procrastinate for three months. I was like, you know what, I need a website first. So I was like, need a place to put all of my resources. So I created CatholicInfertilityResources.com. You don't have to be Catholic to take advantage of it. It's like a list of ideas to test, books, ministries that are out there, information about infertility, information about miscarriage, scripture related to infertility, kind of everything that I could think of that touched on the topic.

So once that was done, couldn't really procrastinate anymore. So yeah, so I founded our churches and fertility support group and that's been going for almost three years now. And as a kind of after, as that went along, I expanded to Instagram where I really share a lot of resources and parts of my story and try to make some fun stuff like memes. and then my, my best friend and my husband were like, you know, you, maybe you could like push this even further and like offer like one-on-one coaching for like women who don't live in your local area. ⁓ so after a lot of encouragement from them, I also branched out, to that. So I do have, ⁓ some virtual, infertility coaching clients and we work on everything from, you know, what, ⁓ what testing is being recommended to them and does you know does what are they comfortable doing what can they emotionally manage right now or ⁓ you know we do a lot of like ⁓ preparation for baby showers or the holidays and practicing how to respond to like intrusive questions ⁓ so it's it's kind of it's, I kind of view it more as like mentorship, friendship from somebody who's kind of been there and back again. ⁓ So that's kind of what keeps me busy. And then we kind of did like one last year of infertility treatments. I kind of just threw everything in the kitchen sink at it and just kind of ended with a few more diagnoses and not a pregnancy test. So we're like, okay, we're done. you know, I think we both, my husband, I both feel like we, we, we could walk away with no regrets knowing that like, we really tried like went above and beyond to really do what, you know, what we could.

Caitlin (11:35)

Hmm.

Let me pause there just to say how powerful that is on its own because women are so willing to do whatever we need to do to make it happen. And obviously you did so many things. You put in over a decade of effort and investment, time, blood, sweat, tears, all the things. To be at the end of that, think the fear for so many women is that, but what if it doesn't happen? What if it doesn't happen? But at the end of that, you felt a peace that we've done everything that is within our power to do it. And what was that like spiritually for you? Since you talk openly about faith, what was that like spiritually for you to get to the end and be at that place?

Paula Gallagher (12:16)

Yes.

I think purely by the grace of God that at the same time that we were kind of working towards those last six months, I was participating in the Hallow app in their lenten ⁓

program that was all about surrender, surrender and trust in the Lord. And like that had kind of been like my really big spiritual hang up. Like when you are going through infertility and you feel like God's not answering your prayer, like it feels like he's intentionally hurting you by withholding like this thing that you feel like you deserve because you're a woman and that, you know, children are a blessing. Like why, why is he not, why is he withholding this blessing? ⁓ And so like I really, you know, intellectually I was like I know trust and surrender and the Lord is good I know that it's like necessary for a spiritual life but I was just so afraid of continuing to be hurt and so over the course of that was 40 days of prayer just like you know really really praying for the grace to surrender like I was given that grace to stop being afraid of his plan being painful ⁓ so it was not, it's not necessarily anything that I did. It was definitely like divine providence showing up in like the hour of need. but it all did kind of tie into the same timeline of arriving at this place of, okay, I'm ready to surrender to you. And I don't know what the plan is, but I can finally trust it. Like it is for the best. you know, and being able to also kind of see like my coaching work take off and people really saying that like what I was sharing on social media was like resonating with them and helping them and being able to kind of, you know, kind of see how the Lord was turning this really kind of horrible journey into something purposeful and meaningful for to help other women. And I was like, okay, I see the plan now. I see the plan to see what you're doing. It took like, you know, 13 years, but like I finally get it.

Caitlin (14:30)

Hmm.

It's so encouraging to me to think that God is always working for our good and for his glory and can use any situation whatsoever and make it truly beautiful. And your surrender there, I love that you said it wasn't anything you did, it all came from the Lord. That's so honest, because you talk with anyone and we're talking about fertility and the struggle to conceive, but you could fill in a lot of other examples into that, but to surrender that something that you care so deeply about something that you want a beautiful heart desire. You know, it's not a it's not a bad thing to want that. It's a beautiful thing to surrender that and say, I don't know what's going to happen is so hard. Of course, the reality too, is that we don't really have control before we surrender it. We still don't have control, but it's the first, know, in the beginning we're under the illusion that we have control. And then later we realize that we don't, but the one who does is good and loves us deeply and cares for us. This is so important. ⁓ I talk about this with clients, but...I don't know whether a couple that I work with is going to have biological children or not. I don't know that. Nobody can know that. Their doctor can't know that. Their friends can't know that. Their parents can't know that. No one knows but the Lord. And it can be really difficult to live in that uncertainty. And it's at the same time really important to just kind of acknowledge where we are in that and say, “Lord, we don't know what's gonna happen, but we trust you and just acknowledge that not everyone ends up with biological children.” People don't wanna talk about that. They don't wanna face it or they don't want to think that it could happen to them, but I so appreciate you being open and honest about it that you...went through everything that you could and you feel a peace, a release at the end that you could surrender it.

Paula Gallagher (16:54)

Every marriage is fruitful whether they are biological children or not. Our marriages are valid, our marriages are good, our husband and wife together are a family and that's fruitful no matter what. Sorry, getting emotional.

Caitlin (17:09)

Yes, absolutely. No, that's perfect. Yes, I understand. I mean, I want you to be able to be open and honest about what you're experiencing. Yeah.

Well, Paula, thank you so much for coming on and sharing a little bit of your story and some of the resources that you have for other women. You mentioned your website and I'll make sure to link that in the show notes to you because I you've got a lot of good resources for ladies.

Paula Gallagher (17:35)

Thank you. Thank you so much for having me, Caitlin. And yeah, there's catholicinfertilityresources.com. If you're interested in coaching, that's catholicanfertilitycoaching.com. And you can also find me on Instagram at catholic.infertility.coaching.

Caitlin (17:48)

Perfect. Listeners, I want you to know if you are struggling to conceive, we see you. Wherever you are in that journey, beginning, middle or end, we see you and you are not journeying alone. Not only is there a really strong community here at Woven Well but God has promised to be with you every step of the way, guiding, loving, comforting, wherever you end up, He will be there with you. I can't help but think about Matthew 11:28-30.

“Come to me all you who are weary and are carrying heavy burdens and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” You are seen, you are loved, you are not alone. As always, thanks for listening as we continue to explore together what it means to be woven well.